Have you ever just wanted to scream “I QUIT” at anything in your life?
You know, that Monday-Friday 8-5 job that takes and takes, the one you hit snooze a billion times for? OR when your laundry is piled up so high that you would rather just throw it all away and start all over. Yeah girl, I felt all that!
Well I am here to open up a little bit about my(crazy)self and some behind the scenes of being a business owner…
Being that, a business owner, I AM THE BOSS! Whoa. I never thought that would ever come out of my mouth – but we will save that mushiness for another day- A boss, yeah that’s me- I have to work for myself and I am not an easy person to work for.
I am so hard on myself that there isn’t one single thing someone could say to me that I have not already said to my own self. Well there is something that not even my own husband knows (he will find out when reading this with you all, hi honey!) – I had it! I was so mean to myself after a session I had recently; that I QUIT! I literally yelled at the boss (yeah, remember when I said I am the boss – wasn’t a proud moment that’s for sure) I screamed, I QUIT! I was done, done with the ridicule, done with the nasty comments of “I will never be good enough”, being called a failure, all by the boss! I was done. I haven’t even posted on any social media or wanted to see any of my work and most certainly didn’t want any of you all to see my work. I thought I was that bad.
I’ve cried, I’ve skipped meals, I’ve ran more miles in the past month than I have ever ran.
As if I had a breakup in my life. Beating myself up still, even though I quit!
This is my dream, a passion you could call it… Once that camera gets in my hand I almost turn into a different person. An introverted, awkward, shy and avoids all small talk because my anxiety holds me back – but once that camera strap gets on, I turn into a confident boss, I grab those reins and run the show and step right outside that comfort zone and become another person. The crazy thing, once that strap comes off – the fear comes over me, did they like me? When I said ‘this’ did they think it was funny or stupid, do they regret booking me, yeah probably – I knew they should’ve went with someone else.
Then the second part begins, the uploading of the pictures. The tears come, tearing me apart and literally picking apart each picture to the point I have to stop, stop looking at it and walk away. It’s a sad process!
So, I quit!
I had to take a break, clear my head and heal. You will literally become what you think about, and I was heading into believing I was terrible to the point I felt like a fraud for my clients and I should just recommend other bomba** photographers, because that wasn’t me!! How sad is that, a business I built from the ground up – a business that allowed me to quit that 8-5 cubicle
job and gave me the freedom I craved and a job that wouldn’t even feel like work.
My thoughts are my #1 enemy; they control my life – from business to personal. It’s a nasty cycle that I battle and I pray I will overcome.
I love myself enough that I was able to recognize the things I didn’t like and found the courage to change them. Back to “I QUIT”.
I needed the break, right before I decided to do this I said to myself “I don’t deserve the break, I just started out, I have to push through because no other photographer feels these things and you don’t see them pausing” although those might be true or could be false (idk) I had to do this – I am not them, and they are not me! Comparison was also killing me. I had it, Enough!
BTS and some raw truth! You ready?
3 not so fun facts
- I would delete a post after a few minutes if nobody would like the picture. Because to me that meant it was terrible and all my thoughts were true. Was the caption stupid, was the picture terrible.
- I am terrified to do IG video stories.
- I will re edit an entire gallery 3 times because I felt like it wasn’t good enough.
Someone said to me “The temptation to quit will be the greatest just before you are about to succeed”.
Ever had a moment where something just hits you like a ton of bricks? Yeah that was it for me.
I wanted to throw all this away, when I could have looked at it with a different perspective – I had a dream ideal client, I was there; I MADE IT!! I let fear win, and boy did it kick me down. I should’ve taken my own advice that I like to hand out like free candy, and used it when I needed it the most.
Even here (pretty low) I am stronger than I thought I was.
I almost lost it all, something I have worked so hard at; and honestly so proud of. I almost let these dark days defined me, but instead through them I realized I am the light that led me out.
This isn’t easy! Nobody said it was going to be. I just had some battles (maybe a few extra that is not for all the ears to hear) battles that I had to face before I could truly make it!
I choose to be a better me, for me! I owe it to myself to become everything I’ve ever dreamed of being. As far as business I choose to be that bomba** photographer that I always want to recommend people to, because that’s what I am! I am that, and more.
While filling up my cup, I have found that my passion isn’t about careers and money, it’s about finding your authentic self; the one I’ve buried beneath other people’s needs!
So instead of ‘finding myself’ I am actually returning to myself; an unlearning and remembering who I am before the world got its hands on me. Mindset is everything, and I’m getting it! 30 years in and just now realizing the way you speak to yourself matters!
Love Y O U R S E L F First.
It’s a process to become the very best version of yourself, fall in with that process! I haven’t made it yet, but I am getting it.
Think of it like this:
Imagine your mind like a garden and your thoughts are the seeds. You get to choose what seeds you plant in it. You can plant seeds of positivity, love and abundance. Or you can plant seeds of negativity, fear and lack. You can also spend time trying to take care of everyone else’s garden. Or you can work on making yours beautiful and attract other beautiful people to your garden.
WOW! Right? – Ya, another brick thrown at you. I ran across that one day on Pinterest (cheap therapy for women) I was doing all the wrong things in that quote, taking care of other people’s garden (advice given out like free candy) and also planting such awful things in my own garden for them to do nothing but weigh me down and keep me from blooming.
I’m not sure if you have even read any of this, or made it this far into my story – but if you have kudos and high fives lol. Now, I don’t know if you remember my one little word for 2019 or not… If you are not familiar with “OLW”– it’s simply a word you choose for the new year that you are going to achieve at doing. Like a resolution! Mine was Cultivate. 2019 had other plans for me, I had no idea that it had a word picked out already for me to be slammed into knowing.
“Shifting” – One tiny little word rocked my 30 year old self into a new beginning. As I shifted, I realized that I am not the same person I used to be. I am beginning to understand the value of my voice (good+bad) and there are situations that no longer deserve my energy and focus.
In this season of progress, might be slow, but it is still a beautiful progress, and it matters more than you know! I had to tell myself over and over that it is not selfish to do what is best for you.
I chose to open up about this, because I want to fully be myself in this adventure and for you to feel like you can be your true self with me as well. I am human and I am just a girl behind the camera chasing her dreams.
One day I pray that I can say that I am not my worst enemy, but my biggest fan! But for now, I am a work in progress to achieve that and I want to open up even more for you to connect with and get to know the girl who is finding herself all over again!
It was a hard day when I had to ask the boss for my job back (HAHA) but I think she forgives me.
So here is to quitting, quitting all that hate bombs I throw at myself!!
Taylors Photography is forever thankful for each one of you!
(me) Cortney is back and will keep on keeping on!
HERE IS TO NEW BEGINNINGS FOR TAYLORS PHOTOGRAPHY!
“Trust yourself enough to let go, shift, and uproot. Give yourself permission to shed who you used to be. You are allowed to start over and find new ways to bloom into your best self.”